your questions, final installment

People!!!!

Are you crazy? Asking me for parenting advice?

Do you not remember this -- the whole your-kid-breaks-his-finger-and-you-never-treat-him- for-it incident????

It's like hiring the lol cats to teach your kid to spell.




But since you asked, I can haz answerz. And I'll even throw in a recipe at the end.

I will try to refrain from supplementing each answer with a lol catz picture. You can thank me for that later.

And now, my Dr. Spock's two cents worth.

Get out your notebooks and prepare yourself to take copious amounts of notes to review at your pleasure.


*Ahem*


Are you ready?

Question #1 from Bonnie: "okay, here's my question: how do i get my baby to sleep through the night?"

Seconded by Kellie: "Well right now as I am trying to ignore my screaming baby who doesn't want to go back to be I am think of the same question as bonnie jack."


Bonnie and Kellie, are you ready for this?

Here it is, everything I know about getting babies to sleep through the night:
Did you get that?

Listen carefully, and I'll tell you again:What? You only heard crickets?

Ahh. That explains it. All I can say, is good luck. And don't be afraid to let them cry. And maybe a warm bath before bedtime will help. Either for you or for the baby. Baths used to wear my babies out. Other than that, I recommend you read here for more information.

Kellie also asked: "what is a good way to get my boys to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner when we are eating those meals?"

Kellie, a sure-fire way to help your cute boys eat is to feed them only candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But really, who's to say when breakfast is? In the lunchroom, we love to have waffles for dinner -- but usually only when PB&J is out of town. He's old-fashioned that way. Not quite what you were hoping for, I know. And I'm sorry. But good luck with that!

And finally, The Daily Family implores:

"Please, please tell me what is the secret I have missed to successful potty-training??(since we're talking about potties and questions, that is)"

Here in the Lunchroom, potty training never really worked until my kids were 2 1/2. After that, everything came out ok. I tried it earlier than that with the Oldest (when I was still ambitious and full of dreams) but 2 1/2 seemed to be the magic age in our family. I don't know why.

So there you go. A whole bunch of completely unsatisfactory answers to the hardest job on earth.

I just hope and pray everything will work out ok and my kids won't be totally messed up when they are grown.

Please join me in a moment of silence.
For the children.

And the mothers.

Thank you.

And now, to reward you for your good behavior, here's a crazy recipe from the Pioneer Woman that my blog friend Allyson pointed me to. Apple Dumplings made magical through a can of Mountain Dew.

Speaking of caffeine, I was in a store yesterday that had a sign up that read:

"Unattended children will be given a Red Bull and a free puppy."

If that's not a threat . . .

Anyway, back to the recipe. Yes, you read that right. Mountain Dew. Now, I am not a connoisseur of Mountain Dew, but I am willing to give this a try, just because I like a good miracle. And if these are half as good as Allyson says, I think they would rate as a miracle in my book.

Have a look at the recipe:

Pioneer Woman's Apple Dumplings

2 Granny Smith apples
2 cans crescent rolls
2 sticks butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 teaspoons vanilla
cinnamon
1 small can Mountain Dew

Peel and core apples. Cut apples into 8 slices each. Roll each apple slice in a crescent roll. Place in a 9 x 13 buttered pan. Melt butter, then add sugar and barely stir. Add vanilla, stir, and pour over apples. Pour Mountain Dew around the edges of the pan. Sprinkle with cinnamon and bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. Serve with ice cream, and spoon some of the sweet sauces from the pan over the top.

And here's the link, so you can admire Pioneer Woman's photography.

Enjoy!

And enjoy the challenges of being a mom. I wish I was more help. I really do.

Have a great Good Food Friday!

meadow picture by dr3wie

cricket picture by benM135
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

good food friday????

Happy Good Food Friday!!

I apologize for the posting hiatus. I just haven't felt very inspired lately. Especially when it comes to food. I love food. And food loves me. It comes to visit and then decides to stay forever. It makes me sad. And mad. So I've been boycotting my love for food, by not posting or saying anything good about food, but to no avail.

So, Good Food Friday and I are back! Hurray!

Since some of you asked questions about food, I thought today would be an appropriate day to answer them.

Let us begin.

Allyson asked: "Okay, where do you find your recipes? You always have such fun ones - do you have a favorite book/books, websites, etc"

Allyson, I blame all of this on these two people:

My dear ol' Mom and Dad (no they are not about to be abducted by aliens in a giant silver UFO. It's some crazy place in Chicago. I'll tell you all about it next month.)

A long time ago my Mom and Dad were almost hippies. They lived in a hippie college town (Corvallis, OR). They were part of a communal garden project. They cooked with tofu. They frequented odd smelling health food stores. They grew their own sprouts in little plastic cages. They even grew their own yogurt.

Then they grew out of their hippie phase and decided to master the fine art of Chinese Food. They bought woks. They bought cleavers. They bought cookbooks. They came, they saw, they cooked chinese. Food. Not people.

The point is, my mom and dad aren't afraid to try new things -- even though, as kids, we sometimes were.

As a result, I like to read cookbooks and cooking magazines, and even the occasional cooking blog. And I subject my family to the recipes that sound most intriguing. Some successful, some not so much. If you ever want to watch PB&J turn green and start to dry heave -- just say "Huevos Rancheros."

"We take no prisoners."


As I've mentioned before, I like Cooks Illustrated, Bake or Break, Bakerella, Pioneer Woman (try the cheesy olive bread) and I have a huge collection of mostly untried recipes that I've ripped out of magazines.


Kate asked: "What is your favorite dessert? And when you need a quick sweet fix, what do you head for? (ie, chocolate chips, peanut butter, nutella, you get the picture)."

Kate, the truth is, I love all desserts. Just like I love all my sisters. I don't believe in having favorites. And I suffer with indecision issues.

But, my favorite sweet fix these days involves taking a scoop of Nutella, microwaving it for a few seconds while I wash and slice up a couple of strawberries, and then snarfing down strawberry slices coated with nutella as fast as I can before the kids catch me and want me to share.

Amy asked: "So my real question, where do you come up with all your fun posts? Specifically the pictures, recipes etc."

Amy, I am just honored that you think some of my posts are fun. I do love to take a gander at the crazy pictures people post on Flickr. Give it a try! It's a great way to waste time!

See, I just found this picture of Flickr and now I am dying to try kiwi with nutella!



Melanie asked: "You always have such great recipes. What's your all time favorite meal? Not necessarily one that you make - doesn't food taste better when someone else makes it anyway?"

A-men to that Melanie! (Although nothing makes me crankier than going to a restaraunt and paying good money for food I can make better.) Anyway. Though I don't believe in favorites, I would say my favorite meal would be a Thanksgiving mutation -- except with steak instead of turkey -- and it wouldn't be complete without the green bean casserole, cranberries (oh, but then you need the turkey), yams, homemade rolls, butter, homemade jam, and at least 5 pies (apple, pumpkin, pecan, lemon meringue, AND cherry) and possibly bread pudding to boot. Have I ever told you I heart carbs?


I do.


And last, but not least, Shem asked: "What is your favorite local restaurant? (local counts the county north of us)"


Right now, Shem, I would have to say I love The Cheesecake Factory. I am totally in love with their Bang Bang Chicken. And I have a hard time tryinganything else, when I get to go there so infrequently. I found a knock-off recipe for Bang Bang Chicken here, and it is pretty darn good. Just don't look at the calorie info at the bottom. It only depressed me. I try to justify it by not eating the rice. I hope it works.


And now, so-as not to let you down, I am going to share with you a long time Lunchroom standby for my official Good Food Friday recipe. My sister Farm Girl already blogged about this, so I will just refer you to her blog if you are looking for some entertainment. Anyway. This recipe for "Oatmeal Glop" was created by me and my sibs back when we were starving hungry kids, waiting impatiently from our Mom and Dad to come back from Area 54 or the grocery store -- wherever they were hiding from us. But I don't recommend you try it. I am just trying to keep things real.

As an extra bonus Farm Girl also included a recipe for Toaster Gross, created by her husband in college.





I REALLY don't recommend you try that.




nutella picture by Hoobygroovy
huevos picture by mag3737


picture of my parents stolen from Kate.

I apologize in advance for this post

I saw this picture on one of my favorite blogs today.

It is quite a famous picture entitled "Primavera" by Botticelli.

Quick, without clicking on the link, was Botticelli a man or a woman?

There is a dead giveaway hidden in this picture -- and it doesn't have anything to do with the abundance of scantily clad women either.

Can you tell what it is?

Need a hint?
There you go. Botticelli was a man. Because a woman would never have painted a man in a toga wearing his "warrior" boots and tube socks.

Just like my "performance toilet." It can only have been marketed by a man, as Cheree postulated: "You know it was a man that came up with the name of the "Performance Toilet" and not just a performance toilet but the global leader."

I would guess the Marketing Mastermind behind the Performance Toilet might have had this kind of performance in mind:

Or possibly the Ad Exec was dreaming of the "Man's Bathroom" as Allyson speculated: "When I read the words "performance toilet" I had a flashback to an OLD "Home Improvement" episode. You know, the show with Tim Allen as an almost mentally handicapped handy man. ANYWAY there was an episode where they made a "man bathroom" and there was a TV and cup holders, a mini fridge, and...the toilet reclined. Quite a performance if you ask me."

But alas, said toilet does not recline. And there is something morally and ethically wrong with having a fridge or drinks in a bathroom. Can you say "Fecal Aerosols"?

It could be that Mr. Marketing was sports minded, and was thinking of this kind of performance:

Val is also sports minded, and asked: "So, does your new toilet require a dose of Performance Enhancing Drugs on a regular basis?"

Val, I read recently that "people" shouldn't be flushing their unused prescriptions down the toilet, so, alas, our Performance Toilet will no longer "unknowingly" *wink*wink* be taking performance enhancing drugs.

From the Head Nurse comes the following: "I would say a toilet that performs really is something special- Can you bring it out here for our entertainment?"


And "Henry" (Henry, are you really my dad, incognito? Do you feel slightly chagrined to be asking a question about a toilet? Even though it was quite funny?)

"Henry" *cough*cough* asked: "Is a performance toilet something like performance art? Do you need a ticket to see it? Or use it?"



Alas, Henry and Head Nurse, the Performance Toilet is exclusively engaged at the Lunchroom. Though the toilet occasionally utilizes a candle -- or sometimes just a match -- in the performance of its art, it can't quite be considered atrue performance artist. The toilet performs daily, with the occasional midnight show. No tickets are necessary, and the Toilet recommends you try the Roast Beef, or even better -- the All-Bran -- and please, don't forget to tip your server.



And sadly, Amber, despite your hopes (and mine) for better performance: "Be happy you chose a performance toilet. Perhaps it will perform better than the old water saver toilets that never pump enough water through to flush much on the first try...sorry to be graphic."


The Manly Man's Global Leader in Performance Toilets is not quite man enough for this Man:

surfacing

*gasp*

Finally, most of the MESS is finished, though we are still waiting for carpet for the top three stairs. Don't ask. I don't know why. If I had measured the carpet and ordered it, I might expect something like that to happen. But I didn't, and so I don't understand how a trained professional (and I use the term loosely) can make that kind of mistake.

But most things are put back where they belong (except the things that belong on the top three steps -- like carpet) and I am feeling like I am finally coming up for air.

So I thought I'd take this chance to answer a few more questions.

The Duvall Family asked:

I would like to know where I can get a cute white skirt for church...either a pencil skirt or a flowy (is that a word??) skirt.

My answer for today is look here. They are offering both a pencil skirt and flowy skirt, for your wearing pleasure. I have one much like this one, and I love it. Although I must warn you, wear a white dry-clean only skirt and you are sure to be graced with a slobbery chocolate coated kiss right on your knee. Or rump.

Kate asked:

Dear sister, who is your favorite sister?

My answer: All my sisters are my favorite. Anything beyond that, and I'm taking the Fifth.

Not the Fifth Sister, because I don't have one. But the Fifth Ammendment. Because I know my rights. And I know any other answer will just get me in trouble.

Now, I must be off to piano lessons.

Stayed tuned for more questions and answers on parenting, food, and performance toilets. I know, you can hardly wait.

happy 200th post!

come on, sing it with me:

"Happy 200th post to me! Happy 200th post to me! Happy 200th post dear me, Happy 200th post to me!"

Ah, shucks! Thanks! You all are so sweet.

Yes, it's true. This is the long awaited 200th post. I would have posted earlier, but our MESS has been all consuming. Throw a birthday for the Youngest Carrotstick into the MESS and there has been absolutely no coming up for air.

But, enough about my mess. Onto your questions, and my, but they were excellent questions.

Now, while I am waiting very impatiently for the carpet layer to get here, I will try to answer a few of them.

First off, my very favorite question from Cheree:

"My question to you is how do you look so good and young? It is hard to believe that you have a teenage daughter."

Cheree, I love you. If I give you a dollar everytime I see you, will you keep asking me that? My answer: Braces. Yes, I am a nerd and I currently have braces (for 3 more cross-my-fingers months). But the braces give the illusion of youth -- because you think only teen-agers wear braces. I'm afraid it even confused our old bishop -- he must of thought I relate well to teenagers because of them -- and hence my calling in the Young Women organization. Once the braces are off, I'm sure I'll look like the dinosaur my daughter thinks I am.

Kninsa asked "What's for dinner?"

I'll tell you what I tell PB&J when he asks me that: Whatever you want to make. Or, more realistically, whatever they serve at the restaurant you want to go to.

And finally, Mom The Runner asked "How was your weekend?"

Last weekend (the weekend in question) was excellent. We went to out of town to see our niece get baptized, so that was great.

And this weekend was pretty good, but exhausting. We went to the Youngest Carrotstick's piano recital (He played well, and his piano teacher performed too and was awesome.) We went out to dinner with friends -- always a good time. Saturday, the Oldest Carrotstick and I went to a swimsuit party so she could get a new swimming suit. It took a lot of restraint, but I decided to forgo the pleasure of trying on swimming suits myself. Then we went to a Stake Youth Service Project, went snowmobiling with cousins, came home, moved everything out of the front room, tore up and replaced baseboards, and went to bed very late indeed. And then there was Daylight Savings. I hate Daylight Savings. Sunday, we made it to church just in time. Were spiritually fed. Came home. Took a nap. Had a Young Womens meeting. And went to dinner at my mom and dad's.

There. Does that answer your question in more detail than you cared to know? Thanks for asking!

Stay tuned for more answers to your questions about food, toilets and child rearing!

nerdy picture by brendan1/2

potty mouth

A short post about necessary things.

'Specially written for YOU.

We are in the middle of a remodel. (If you can count getting new flooring as remodeling. If you can't count it, then we are just in the middle of a MESS.)

We are getting new flooring. Which means we have to get rid of the old flooring first. The first floors to go were the two upstairs bathrooms and the laundry room.

Such a mess. But the boys have had a fantastic time doing demolition.

Give a boy a tool and you'll keep him entertained for hours. Don't you like his choice of work clothes? PJs.

Very versatile.

They worked all day Saturday filling this bucket with staples from the underlayment. Underlayment is a fancy word for wood under a vinyl floor. In case you didn't know.
The only boy who wasn't thrilled with the demolition was the big one. PB&J is not a plumber, and he was stressed by the thought of removing and replacing the toilets.

Perhaps the task was made a little more enjoyable by a little trip to the Home Depot. We had to replace one of the toilets completely. The tank lid was cracked on the old one, and apparently you can't just buy a new tank lid, you have to get a whole new toilet.

So I sent PB&J to the Home Depot, and look what he came home with:
Yes, it's true.

A "Performance Toilet".

Which certainly has to be better than a non-performing toilet, don'tcha think?



Anyway. The moral of the story is, anything thing can be cool if it has the right name.


Which somehow leads me to my next topic,

In honor of my forthcoming

200th post!

I want show YOU how much I appreciate YOU, Gentle Reader, and so I want to answer your questions. It can be about anything: How do I like my bacon cooked? (Crispy) If you stacked Bill Gates fortune up, in dollar bills, would it be taller than the Space Needle? (Yes). Those are just some examples. I flatter myself by thinking that you have questions you want answered. So humor me, will ya, please? Ask me some questions, and I will answer them on my

200th post!

Ask me anything, and I will do my best to answer all of them. Even you lurkers can feel free to de-lurk long enough to ask me something! (I promise it won't hurt and I won't think your question is stupid.) If you don't ask me any questions, then I will be forced to soothe my ego and ask myself questions. And that could be frightening. You don't want to witness a conversation between me and myself.



Go ahead,


Ask the Lunch Lady!




And look for answers to all your life's questions coming soon to a Sack Lunch near you!

a little sum'in sum'in

If you were wondering what to give me for my 200th post anniversary (which is coming up very soon),



You may want to consider this:



Very apropos, don'tcha think?



A little bird brain tole me you can get it here.

tres risque

I bought the Oldest Carrotstick these shoes the other day:(Don't cringe. She has had gold shoes before and wore the heck out of them. They go with everything, don't you know. And metallic is the new neutral, naturally.)

This didn't keep me from buying them either.

But. She won't wear them.

And why won't she wear them?

Because they are

????

All I can figure is that she prefers ballet shoes that show at little cleavage. Toe cleavage.

What do you think? Should I be worried about this proclivity for showing skin? Can you show toe cleavage and still abide by the standards in For the Strength of the Youth?

Just wondering.

Not really. But I did think it was kind of funny. I don't think I have ever once given a second thought to toe cleavage. And if you are my sister Kate, you think that anything that has to do with feet is gross and disgusting.

Anyway. Have a great Monday! Live a little -- show some toe cleavage! (I won't tell!)

me and my peeps

I bought my first package of Peeps of the season yesterday.

I heart Peeps -- but only the Easter ones. I just can't get behind Cr-eeps at Halloween, Snow-peeps at Christmas, or even the Stars and Str-eeps for the 4th of July. True Authentic Peeps belong only at Easter. The rest are just frauds and imposters. I don't care what the Just Born Company might say. That's my story and I'm sticking (like gooey marshmellow on toddler fingers) to it.

I do really love Peeps. And I enjoyed the whole package almost by myself. I know, some of you don't like Peeps. Or candy corn. I love both. I hope you don't think less of me.

Even if you don't care for Peeps, you're sure to enjoy the Washington Post's Peep Diorama contest. My sister, Kate, introduced me to it last year. I hope they do it again this year. It's amazing. And worth wasting your time on. Even better if you can enjoy a package of sugary soft and slightly crunchy at the same time Peeps. Here's a little something to whet your appetite. It is entitled "The PEEP Vinci Code".

Peep picture by Zeke .

Diorama by scostello2.

random bits of ran-dumb-ness

My life is so inspiring, not to brag or anything.

Let me share it with you with this brillant photo essay.




Prepare to be amazed.



First,


I had a yogurt today. It was one-third full of mushy blueberries. Gross. I couldn't bring myself to eat them.


PB&J hates all yogurt. And cantelope. Just thought you should know.





I am actually making dinner today.

Chili.




Made with elk meat, courtesy of our great white hunter (I don't mean that in a racist way), because I am trying to live off the land and stuff. And use the abundance of meat in our freezer.


Be glad I'm not YOUR Lunch Lady.


While cooking, I like to wash my hands frequently (just so you know, Kellye).

However, I don't like using the Noel Vanilla soap. It is green. And slimy. And it was given to us by the parents of the Oldest Carrotstick's Mean-Girl Friend, in between bouts of mean-ness. And hence the soap feels even more slimy, because of where it came from. But I feel obligated to use it up. It's my pioneer heritage -- "use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without." Onward, Pioneers!



Yep. That's my motto.

Even though I get the heebie jeebies every time I use that soap, I will perservere!





There. I promised ran-dumb, and I delivered. Hope your day has been more inspiring than mine!

time and tide

"They" say that


and

wait for no man.

The Middle Carrotstick gets it -- the whole Time thing. He hates being late. He gets so cross with me when he is not 25 minutes early for school. ("Come on, Mom!" is our weekday morning mantra. If he could drive himself to school, he would.)

Whereas, the Oldest Carrotstick is a whole 'nuther story. She has absolutely no concept of time.

We have renamed her. She is now known as Her Royal Highness, the Princess of Czech-o-Slow-Poke-ia.

Because she really, truly, thinks that Time and Tide should, and will, wait for her.

Arrgh!!!!!

Any tips for dealing with the chronometrically challenged?

i spy

Hey, I have an idea . . .

Let's play a game!

Look at this picture.

It shows two walls (or planes, geometrically speaking). And the new (chiming) wall clock that PB&J got me for Christmas. It replaces the old (cheap) wall clock that we used to have that sounded like the doorbell every time it chimed (we cut the chime wire). But this clock is not e-lec-tronic. It has to be wound. By hand. With a key. And it chimes most gloriously. And it is a not-so-subtle reminder of how much time I waste doing who-knows-what in fifteen minute increments. I love it.

*sigh*

But, back to the game.

True or False:

The walls in the picture are the same color.

Think carefully. Record your answer. With a number two pencil.

And then look at the picture below.

The answer: False.

The wall in my front room is blue/gray (or grey). The wall in the hall is a very pleasing beige-y color.

This, my friends, is an illustration of what different light can do to a paint color. The first picture was taken Christmas morning, with the blinds closed, while I was admiring my clock, and noticed the strange paint anomaly.

The second picture was with the blinds open and the true paint colors shining forth.

The moral of the story: Don't buy paint on a whim. Stick the paint chip you are considering on the wall (along with a number of its closest cousins) and look at it over and over and over in all kinds of light.

Just thought you should know, since my friend Amber wanted to know. And I'm sure Kate has been dying to know what my clock looks like. (Strangely, it looks much like my mom and dad's wall clock. Just in a different wood. Who knew??)

One more paint buying tip: I always have the paint guys mix the paint up at 75%-80%. "75% of what?" you ask. Well, I don't know for sure. Is it 75% strength or value? I don't know. I do know you can start even lower and keep adding %-age-wise to it 'til it is the color you want. When I've had paint mixed it up at full strength/value/intensity/hue it always seems more than what I really wanted, and slightly less strength/value/intensity/hue always seems right. Or better. And tell the paint guy to smudge some paint on the top of the lid and then ask them to DRY it, so you can really tell what the true color will look like.

Anything else you really wanted to know?

Ask the Lunch Lady!