competitive kate

Lunch Lady: Please welcome to the Sack Lunch Conspiracy: my baby sister.

Competitive Kate: Please, I prefer to go by Competitive Kate.

LL: Kate, just a few preliminary questions. Which do you prefer: crispy crunch fries, or smushy fries?

CK: Soft, smushy delectable fries, of course.

LL: Ewwwww. What about bacon: crunchy satisfying bacon or disgusting, soft, flabby bacon?

CK: Lovely, still malleable bacon is the best.

LL: Really???? Are you sure we're related???

Tell me a little about your family, Kate.

CK: Well, I've got a cutie pie husband, a fabulous mom and dad, three sisters and three brothers.

LL: Wow! That's a big family.

CK: I don't believe in the word "in-law". We're all just one, big, happy family.

LL: Interesting. In this large family of yours, where exactly do you fall?

CK: Very dead last. But I am the favorite child.

LL: Is that why you are so competitive? Are you trying to make up for your birth order? Is that the real reason you are always racing? In cars? In swimming pools? In marathons? In life? Do you have to be first in everything?

CK: I resent that. I am not that competitive.

LL: Right. Whatever makes you feel better. You have to admit that because you are the lastborn, you've really scored as a result.

CK: I have not!

LL: Oh yeah? Who did the parents take to Hawaii?

CK: Just their favorite -- MOI! (sticking her tongue out)

LL: See? Just as I said!

Thinking back on your favored childhood, what was the best thing Santa ever brought you?

CK: My puppy, Wicket the shih tzu.

LL: Kate!!! That dog was not just yours! He was the family dog! You think everything revolves around you!! How do YOU spell spoiled rotten?

CK: K-A-T-E?

LL: (under her breath) You got that right.

LL: Did your brother or sister ever call you names?

CK: (angrily) Yes. They told me I was a "part-time boy", that my real name was Reggie, and that Mom and Dad got me on a blue light special at Kmart.

LL: Huh. Sad. Is that the reason you wrote your name on your arm? To dispel the myth that your name is Reggie?

CK: No. I did that the second time I ran the Boston Marathon -- if you write your name on your arm (or leg) the spectators standing on the sidelines will call out your name and cheer you on. It's really cool. I wrote my name on my arm in permanent marker, and during the race I got really sunburned. When the marker finally wore off, my name was still there in white, untanned skin. Who knew permanent marker was an effective sunscreen?

LL: Ok. Enough about you. Kate, which one of your sisters never ever called you names, and instead coddled you, spoiled you, and bought your love with trips to the park and Mrs. Fields cookies?

CK: That would be you, Lunch Lady.

LL: So, looking back on your childhood, who would you say is your favorite sister?

CK: I'd like to take the 5th, and consult my attorney.

LL: You can't consult your attorney. He's still a law student, and you left him at home in Las Vegas. And besides that, since you are married to him, I think he has a conflict of interest and therefore can't represent you.

CK: I still object! You are trying to lead the witness -- I mean the interviewee. I think you are just trying to get me in trouble with the rest of the family! What kind of big sister would do that?

LL: If you'd just do what I tell you, we wouldn't be having this problem!

CK: You. Are. So. Bossy! I'm telling Mom! (she stomps off)

LL: (under her breath) Baby.

LL: This concludes another installment of Interviews with the Lunch Lady. I'd like to thank Competitive Kate for consenting to be interviewed. She really is the #1 Baby Sister in my book.