Ubermom: Thank you for having me!
LL: Thank YOU for being a part of the family!
(Ubermom smiles graciously.)
LL: Now, with all the niceties done with, let's get down to business. I understand you live in Hollywood, is that correct?
UM: We are actually closer to Beverly Hills than Hollywood.
LL: Ooohhh! I know you want to protect your privacy, (you Hollywood types are like that), but does your zip code rhyme with 9-0-2-1-go?
UM: (rolling her eyes, discreetly) No.
LL: So, what's it like living in Hollywood?
UM: It's more exciting than Salt Lake.
LL: (aghast) What? More exciting than Salt Lake City? The Gateway to the West? The Home of the 2002 Olympics? (shaking head in disbelief) Ok. So. If it's so exciting, do you see any Stars?
UM: Yes, but I don't really know who they are, because we try to protect our family from the filth so prevalent on the Silver Screen (and on the small screen). But I did see Basketcase Spears and her bodyguards in Target one day, and I occasionally see that crazy guy from 24.
LL: I understand your husband (my little brother) is in movies. What was it like to see your husband's name on the big screen for the first time?
UM: It was very exciting! I cried and yelled "WOOOO HOOOOO!"
LL: Your daughter's voice was scheduled to appear in the summer sensation Kung Fu Panda, but, I understand, at the last minute, her scene was cut. How does that make you feel?
UM: Very, VERY ANGRY!
LL: I understand you have children of several Stars in your primary class. Were you asked to sign confidentiality and non-disclosure agreements before you could teach them?
LL: In your experience, what is the most effective way to deal with paparazzi?
UM: Run 'em over.
LL: I understand you have met the famous Stephanie Meyer (of the Twilight series) several times. What was she like? What did she say to you? Were you disappointed when you met her in real life?
UM: Steph (that's what I call her) was about what I expected. She was very nice. The first time I met her, she confessed that she was currently serving on her ward's enrichment committee, and that she wanted to be released, because she was too busy, but her husband was in the bishopric and wouldn't let her get out of it that easily. So, she is just a person, just like the rest of us.
LL: (under her breath) Yeah, maybe just like you Ubermom. The rest of us aren't quite are with it as you. (outloud) Ubermom, I understand that on one occasion, you and your girlfriends went on a roadtrip to see Stephanie Meyer. BUT, for some reason, you declined going on a roadtrip with your mother and sisters-in-law this summer. Would you care to elaborate?
UM: No. Let's just say, Lunch Lady, that your brother has told me horror stories of traveling in a car with you, and that you have very long, very sharp fingernails and an aversion to chewing sounds.
LL: Don't believe a word he says! The cornnuts made me do it!
LL: Ok, Ubermom, I'm down to my last few questions. What's better, crispy crunch fries or soft smushy fries?
UM: Crunchy fries, but only if they're from Dairy Queen.
LL: Crispy bacon or flabby bacon?
LL: Both? Eeeuuwww. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. Thank you, Ubermom, for joining me today. It's great to have you as part of my family. I only I wish you thought we were as cool and fun as your girlfriends and that you were road tripping with us!